Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

   Not surprisingly, slow-cooked Leprechauns taste just like corned beef!

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   at the Library waiting for the opportune moment to fire my air horn

   aim for the moon, if you miss youll be among the stars"..then pressure & lack of o2 will make your as@hole explode out of your nostrils.

   Poker face? Yeah I would and then some.

   Does the Advance Pat Down come with an happy ending?

   money talks and right now its saying "Nah nah nah nah nah...you can't catch me!"

   Expect the entire internet to run slower for a while. 11 million nerds are sucking up the bandwidth to experience the Cataclysm.

   Everyday I hear people say they would to take a break and get some fresh air. So, this year I'm wrapping some up in boxes and giving as Christmas gifts.

   posting "I love you!!!" today on Facebook is the equivalent to shouting it from the top of a mountain back in the day.

   My wife and my girlfriend both said on their status that they are going to go live in Brazil for a few months. Is there something I should know about???????

   I wanna be cool like on TV and walk into a party with a " Taco Bell " 12 Taco Party Pack

   Todays forcast is sarcastic with a 60% chance of STFU!! Now to Bob with sports....

   Ignores phone call* -Text them- “You called me?”

   i don't wanna be a player no more, No pun intended.. .

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?