Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?

   Welcome to Chris Brown FM, playing hit after hit.

   Look..shove the pics of your grandkids down our throats all you want, fb friends, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Man, that's a goofy looking kid."

   Hired a midget to dress in green and sit on my keg, aint America great?

   Must've been hard to hear Viet Cong sneaking up on you, what with Creedence always blasting.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   Perfect weather for a little gardening outside. Now if I can just find my Mangroomer.

   That uneasy moment when you're sitting with the most decent people around you, pretending to get into a comfortable posture by moving back n forth cos your a$$ is itching !!

   thought about you in the shower...twice

   I don't sweat the small stuff. I let it fill me with rage. Then I drink. Then I sweat alcohol. It's like the circle of life.

   When I get mad at my parents I dont slam the door or yell "I HATE YOU!" I just go in my room and rapidly flick the light switch. Yeeaah raise the light bill : D

   Ladies, if you are ever caught screaming out the wrong name during sex, just tell him you were thinking of baby names in case you got pregnant with a baby boy.

   Whale Wars is pure garbage ...have they even saved one whale?

   now I don't care about not having a girlfriend. Siri listens to all of my needs!

   Thanksgiving Dinner at the Kardashians is no different than any other day of the year, the girls only want dark meat.

   If bad decisions were flavored, they'd taste like tequila.

   FINALS: May cause sleep deprivation, loss of friends and fun, neglect of family, excessive crying and hair loss and burning eyes. Is the semester over yet???

   Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.

   If you turn on tennis and shut your eyes it sounds like a porno

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'