Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time to watch me some Men in Tights. Yay Superbowl!

   it's probably too late for booze in my coffee so I'm just going with booze...

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   I would be the worst 911 Operator! ''Excuse me ma'am, I think you mean 'The Robber is over there!' Not over their or over they're!!''

   Have you heard about the upcoming vegetarian Zombie apocalypse? They only eat grains....

   Romance works because ladies love dumb stuff and they are easily swayed by meaningless gestures. That's why all dudes have the same technique. It's called lying.

   Today i'll fix the mistakes I made yesterday and tomorrow i'll fix the mistakes I made today

   My favourite girls are like the titanic. They go down on the first date and you never get to see them again.

   With summer comes in tents sex.

   I'm white, but not "know where my father is" white.

   atleast none of us agree with tom cruise lol.... now back to the good ol days of funny updates shall we

   Going to the mall today to sit on Cupid's lap and tell him who I want for Valentine's day.

   if you look up "cool" in the dictionary you'll see marked by calm self-control (especially in trying circumstances); unemotional; "play it cool"; "keep cool"; don't be a liar...I just checked the dictionary.

   hated my many. Confronted my none!

   Smoking does not actually kill you. There are plenty of old people in Europe.

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.

   "Of course I was driving under the influence, I'm too drunk to walk!"

   Excuses: Elementary School - "He started it!" Middle School - "It was a dare!" High School - "I was drunk."

   Wow..Thought I just seen a cool bass boat next to me, turns out to be a 64 Impala!

   needs advice and help, but not from you.