Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   I'm going to spread this all over your moist cupcake. ~ Baker sext

   I just ordered this awesome t-shirt: "I participated in the Brexit vote and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Hmmm. Too soon.

   Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.

   Public Service Announcement: If you plan on using Illegal Fireworks this July 4th weekend .... Please remember to remove their Sombreros first.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.

   The Ghostbusters reboot has ruined more childhoods than the Catholic Church.

   The world is falling apart, yet there are m0r0ns chasing Pokemon characters all around town. Where's the comet already.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.

   Pikachu? Come to my backyard and get a Glockatchu!

   The "death tax" is obviously a big issue for non-millionaire people in Detroit who have no estate and also no safe drinking water.

   Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?