Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the only way you can be better than me is that you actually wrap yourself in bacon

   I like you because you leave a "Thank you" note and a sandwich on the dresser after our 1 night stand.

   Think about it this way: Due to all of the successes Steve Jobs had, news of his death is spreading faster than it ever could have. That's what I call a life's accomplishment.

   She's been pounded more times than Johnny Bench's catchers mitt

   Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.

   Be a fountain, not a drain.

   A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

   Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one!

   The fact that Donald Trump has no sense of humor makes me suspect that he also has no mirror.

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   wonders, what would happen if a witness was sworn in, asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the answer came out from his mouth is no?

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia

   I lost my balance crawling into bed and leaned my head on the ceiling to prevent from falling over.

   I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?