Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see you drivin ’round town with a girl I love, and I’m like, it’s nice that she has alternative transportation.

   Hey you guys! Rock bottom has a buffet and an open bar!

   I think those who wear the sagging pants should start wearing skinny jeans. At least it would be entertaining watching them trying to walk.

   there are no winners the day following a draft beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.

   I'm a people person. As long as the people are hot girls...

   I want to walk up to your dad, kick him square in the nuts and ask him WHY.

   It's been over 30 years but I still have a bone to pick with my guidance counselor. Becoming a computer programmer did NOT make me a chick magnet. That's the last time I ever take advice from someone wearing Vulcan ears.

   It should be illegal to be up this early.

   I'll pretend to find you funny if you pretend to like me.

   I'll let you hold my son before I ever let you hold my beer. Which is probably a good idea since I'll be too drunk to do it myself.

   We were bored and pretended it was love.

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

   What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

   bail money, check, mankini, check, whipped cream, check, jelly wrestling for dummies guide book, check, stubbie holder, check, panadole, check......... Cairns here I come.

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

   If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

   NBA rookie of the year was video taped doing 120 mph. In his defense, he claimed that he was being chased by Maury Povich.