Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win

   She waited at the photo counter, yearning in her eyes, as she told herself, "someday my prints will come."

   Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.

   I wonder why Representative Weiner is waiting so long to pull out?

   Its Sunday....Sunday. It comes after Saturday!!!!

   Today is just one of them days I rather be watching porn....all day

   the best part of waking up on Sunday morning after heavy [artying on a Saturday night, is the ability to pee in two different directions at the same time.

   It was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.

   Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.

   I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: "Hey, Want some of my banana? :)" ... "Hey, Want some of my banana? ;)"

   just stepped in a huge pile of dog sh!t...smelled so bad, I just left my shoe in it and walked home in my sock

   I wasnt that drunk...... "Dude, you asked me to give you a ride home & the party was at your house"

   wants you to know that these are in fact Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing.

   i'm not a back buner meal for no one,, i'm the main course or you don't eat...

   Be quite brain or I will stab you with a Q-tip

   The second coolest thing ab a car charger is you can use it to lift your phone up when it slides between the seat..

   Please put this on your status if you know, or are related to someone killed on the Death Star. My wish for2010 is that people will understand that the Rebel Alliance is a band of terrorist scum. The Empire wants only to bring peace to the galaxybut these

   Went to the store to buy groceries for my kids at the store today. Was shocked in the Ceral Isle. There were 40 different varities of Captain Crunch. Really? How many combos of sugar squares and sugar balls can there be?

   ‎25yr old Wayne Rooney celebrates his £250,000 a week pay deal sippin pink champagne in a hot pool in Dubai. Over in Afghanistan a 24yr old soldier is sippin warm water for not much more than £250 a week,in a hostile country surrounded by people who w