Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's house? Neither has he.

   If I thought President Obma should serve two more terms in office, than I'd be on crack just like Obama is.

   let's be honest half of us didn't even know who Steve Jobs was until he died...

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   going off the rails on a crazy train

   Roses are Red, Winters are Cold, Now get on your knees and Do what you're told!

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did

   was also once considered a "big f**king deal" by Vice President Joe Biden.

   Ok ladies, you've had your protest in Washington DC, enough, now get back to work, cleaning and cooking.

   Breaking news: George Zimmerman to throw out first pitch at tonights All star game

   Some girls are like a blunt... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   Atheist don't hate unicorns or fairys or leprechauns because you can't hate something that isn't real. Atheist hate God because He is real.

   me:" cant come in to work today. I slipped in a snail trail and broke me ankle" boss:"on a nature hike?" me:"no walked in front of a theater playing 50 shades of gray"

   What you call vocabulary, others may call jargon, gibberish, lingo or slang...but its all the same to me.

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   I like my women the same way I like my suits...Double-Breasted!

   After the lost of Whitney Houston in the bath tub, one would think Bobbie Kristina would...perhaps stay clear of tubs and spend more time in the shower instead.

   Morley Safer contributes exponentially more to societal advancement, and gets only a few mentions in the press. Prince, who basically was a fruitcake who could play a guitar solo, is still getting press.

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   I chose not to drive the Lambo today.... because I don't own one