Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the lost of Whitney Houston in the bath tub, one would think Bobbie Kristina would...perhaps stay clear of tubs and spend more time in the shower instead.

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   I chose not to drive the Lambo today.... because I don't own one

   I like my wife how I like my girlfriend....horny and home every other day.

   peta=people eating tasty animals.

   Hummer: The best way to prove that you can have money AND bad taste.

   Prostate cancer. What color bracelet do I buy to support you?

   Blonde sluts out here think STD stands for "Suck that d*ck"

   Breaking News: Tigers around the world have united to argue the point that Charlie Sheen must be on illegal drugs. They claim that they have tiger's blood flowing in their veins and they don't act that crazy.

   My parents are gone! I should do something crazy that I'm not allowed to do!... *Drinks milk straight from the carton*.... God I'm so badass.

   Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win

   She waited at the photo counter, yearning in her eyes, as she told herself, "someday my prints will come."

   Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.

   I wonder why Representative Weiner is waiting so long to pull out?

   Its Sunday....Sunday. It comes after Saturday!!!!

   Today is just one of them days I rather be watching porn....all day

   the best part of waking up on Sunday morning after heavy [artying on a Saturday night, is the ability to pee in two different directions at the same time.

   It was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.

   Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.

   I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.