Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!

   She would rather have a best friend for a lifetime, then a boyfriend for a week...

   about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh

   When times get tough, just live a little more and laugh twice as much.

   Valentines. Rymes with Pointless.

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   When I grow up and become the president of Akunamatata I'm gonna go to war with the whole world.

   Tonight's full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. The only thing bigger than the moon is Uranus

   True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.

   Has anyone invented a time machine? If so, "when" did I get one?

   Hmmm.. That's weird... I was the 100,000 visitor yesterday too... Winning streak!

   So much for President Obama's peace prize. Do you think they'll make him give the million back?

   I Guess We All Kno what seat Rebecca Black finally Chose The Backseat Fun Fun Fun Fun

   I thought about being atheist...then I realized they dont have any holidays

   Yeah I knew it was time to stop foreplay with this chic as soon as I heard her scream "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOUR IN THE JUNGLE BABY" as she was pulling down her pants.....

   Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

   Hey listen..If the rapture really does happen on Saturday, I totally call the popemobile.