Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's a good Christmas gift for the man who has everything except a clue?

   With the rush to run out and stock up on Twinkee's, I've invested my money this morning into insulin. Who's a thinking?

   Twilight won the Teen Choice Awards, Justin Bieber won the Best New Artist Award and now Twinkies are now longer being made... What is this world coming too? Smh

   If you smile in shopping centre and you have teeth, everyone will think you're crazy.

   I'll bet any one of you I could stop gambling!

   You're so fat I can hear you breathing through the Internet.

   Ya know, those JP Wentworth commercial are lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!

   you know why you would never hear a pteradactyl in the bathroom? because the P is silent. <badoom crash!>

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner. --daniel tosh

   ♫ Loving you is easy because you're slightly attractive and I've been drinking a lot, doot-n-doot-n-do-doo Ah.... ♫

   if George Takei starts asking a lot of questions does he become "curious George"?

   Boy, if it keeps snowing, someone's gonna haveta shovel the darn driveway. I think I'll text her ツ

   I think I'll score with the girl I met today. She told me I was very offensive!!

   At the peak of the storm, the shallowness of the root structure is revealed.

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter!

   says if you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space

   We have now reached that time of year when we look at the clock and say, OMG it is only 8 oclock????

   A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?

   Emo is to music, what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

   Dude!!! I don't play, I quit school because of recess!