Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God is my co-pilot, then why do I keep crashing?

   The best person to get directions from is a 1 legged man...he knows the fastest and quickest way to get anywhere.

   Next time you try to look hot in your profile pic, check the scenery. There's a dookie in the toilet behind you! Not hot!!!!

   You`ve got to admire Emile Heskey , he has a disasterous world cup , he comes home , puts on a dress and wins the womens title at wimbledon......

   poor life decisions on your part, does not constant an emergancy on my part.

   "Never say goodbye when you still want to try. never give up when you still feel that you can take it. ...never say you no longer love a person when you can't let go..

   Dear CAN, why are your books so much more $$ than mine? - US

   Who's d*ck do I have to suck to get my d*ck sucked around here?

   Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels.

   As I was filling up my gas tank I realized I didn't want to eat this week anyways.

   Getting my survival kit ready for 12-21-12. So does the garlic necklace work against Zombies or is it only effective against Vampires and Mormons.

   ■Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head into my chest and lean forward, cause that's how I roll.

   ""What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.""

   Apple announced a new iPhone that doesn't work even better than the last iPhone didn't work!

   every girl is like a master lock, if you use the right combination of attention, flattery, and vodka-cranberry her legs spring wide open whether she wants them to or not.

   Hey girls who cut their hair really short, you must have gotten fed up from guys throwing themselves at you which is why you chose to do it.

   Hey Canada,,, Are you sure those were YOUR geese?.. They weren't as polite and well mannered as I would expect

   Why are hoes like "Oh, its winter, I need a boyfriend to keep me warm"?.... No b**tch, buy a coat.

   Hey I just met you and this might seem crazy but give me good head and don't be lazy

   I honestly could care less about your protests against chick-fil-a, they have the best curly fries I've ever eaten, your argument is invalid.