Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Burger King mascot, and the KFC mascot walk into a bar.... Everyone leaves because they're so creeped out.

   Do vegan mothers ever breast feed their babies?

   "Don't be afraid to walk away. Make crazy claims you can't back up. Blame everyone else. Whine. Sit in a big truck." -- The Art of the Deal

   Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

   Juan Valdez is more Patriotic then the Clintons

   People all upset about someone not standing while wearing hats about how America sucks and voting a draft dodger.

   OUCH!!! I just got bit by a Horse Fly with an over bite!!

   "The uıǝʇsuıǝ secret ʇɹǝqlɐ to ʎq creativity ǝʇonb is knowing how to hide your sources."

   Today's Weight-Loss Tip: Use Krazy Glue instead of lipgloss...

   Couples who exchange "sweet nothing" on facebook, stop it, every time you do that I kick a cat.

   If God is my co-pilot, then why do I keep crashing?

   The best person to get directions from is a 1 legged man...he knows the fastest and quickest way to get anywhere.

   Next time you try to look hot in your profile pic, check the scenery. There's a dookie in the toilet behind you! Not hot!!!!

   You`ve got to admire Emile Heskey , he has a disasterous world cup , he comes home , puts on a dress and wins the womens title at wimbledon......

   poor life decisions on your part, does not constant an emergancy on my part.

   "Never say goodbye when you still want to try. never give up when you still feel that you can take it. ...never say you no longer love a person when you can't let go..

   Dear CAN, why are your books so much more $$ than mine? - US

   Who's d*ck do I have to suck to get my d*ck sucked around here?

   Boys, if you don’t look like calvin klein models, don’t expect us to look like victoria secrets angels.

   As I was filling up my gas tank I realized I didn't want to eat this week anyways.