Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would buy a big dog and pay a midget to ride it

   I'm seeing alot of lesbian couples with kids. This tells me that men needa start making better fathers than women. Quit slackin fellas.

   Admit It, At least once in your Life, You Have Tried To Squeeze your eyes Shut and Shoot Lasers Out of them With Intense Concentration.

   Hurricane Irene threatens the East Coast of USA. If MTV won't cancel Jersey Shore, God will.

   I'm laying on my Girlfriends yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" pose.

   the closest thing we ever got to a 3D movie was my friends Donkey punching me while watching Rocky

   can somebody fix my parents...they always say their broke

   I don't know whether to laugh at you or pity you

   Woke up feeling mean...the go and rent a ice cream truck, turn the music full blast and park it outside a weightwatchers meeting mean.

   Sometimes I wake up GRUMPY; other times I let her sleep.

   Alert! User Error. Please replace user and press any key to continue.

   Call me the national guard then cause I wash mine before and after I piss..

   Women are like beer, some go down better then others..

   Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?

   Watching the Biggest Loser Finale. Hate it when they jump up and down after the results. Holy chicken wings...yuck!

   Thoughts and prayers going out to everyone affected by Wind Noise Cancer.

   Trump has decided to withdraw from the Paris Agreement and the English language.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.

   If the Seahawks win the SuperBowl XLIX It'll be amazing how the world will not give a fcuk.