Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alert! User Error. Please replace user and press any key to continue.

   Call me the national guard then cause I wash mine before and after I piss..

   Women are like beer, some go down better then others..

   Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?

   Watching the Biggest Loser Finale. Hate it when they jump up and down after the results. Holy chicken wings...yuck!

   Thoughts and prayers going out to everyone affected by Wind Noise Cancer.

   Trump has decided to withdraw from the Paris Agreement and the English language.

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.

   If the Seahawks win the SuperBowl XLIX It'll be amazing how the world will not give a fcuk.

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I sometimes wonder.... Is the word tofu, short for " tried-to-fool ya?"

   gene pools are man made...nobody is worried about your threats. repent

   If you harvest ears of corn from a plant it's likely a corn plant, if you pick beans it's most likey from bean plant and if you harvest human organs it pretty much has to be from a human. There just isn't anywhere else to get them.

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   Can we get back on Trump.....who cares about Bill Cosby! oh wait Trumps eating jello

   There was a time when the word "Gay" meant happy and the rainbow was a meteorological phenomenom, now both represents boy who likes another boy.........smh

   There's nothing worse than being suck in traffic and having to take a dump

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.