Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On FB I took "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz. Result:"None, because your lame a*s spends too much time taking douchey a*s surveys on Facebook when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended

   People are posting all their feelings on facebook; well you wanna know what I'm feeling… I don't wanna hear about your sh*t!!!

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   just gave the neighbour's kid a serving. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...so I threw a dictionary at him.

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.....and who said statistics don't have a beginning, middle, and end.

   not saying my ex was dumb, but she poured the Frosted Flakes on the dining room table because she thought it was a tiger puzzle...

   Now that people are posting what Organ donors they are on FB, I am going to friend all the Liver Donors..- Good to keep drinking:)

   My girfriend's a h00ker with an IQ of 178. What a f**king know-it-all.

   Saw a lady walking her son through my neighborhood on a leash, so naturally I asked if I could pet him.

   valentine's day is just another pointless day, why do we celebrate it when its really about st.valentine gettin brutally murdered its abit like easter were the hell do chocolate eggs an rabbits come into things when its about jesus????

   My inflate a date wasnt so bad....I didnt have to cuddle.

   The wife doesn't like the term "fingerbang" so I said I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I say digitblasting, she don't like that either.

   My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   a good driver discount, a good student discount. what about a watching an anoying lizard in a stupid comercial discount?

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes