Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that people are posting what Organ donors they are on FB, I am going to friend all the Liver Donors..- Good to keep drinking:)

   My girfriend's a h00ker with an IQ of 178. What a f**king know-it-all.

   Saw a lady walking her son through my neighborhood on a leash, so naturally I asked if I could pet him.

   valentine's day is just another pointless day, why do we celebrate it when its really about st.valentine gettin brutally murdered its abit like easter were the hell do chocolate eggs an rabbits come into things when its about jesus????

   My inflate a date wasnt so bad....I didnt have to cuddle.

   The wife doesn't like the term "fingerbang" so I said I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I say digitblasting, she don't like that either.

   My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   a good driver discount, a good student discount. what about a watching an anoying lizard in a stupid comercial discount?

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes

   I hate it when people belittle other people's problems just because they're not as bad as some. No matter the gravity, they're still problems, and people have a right to be sad.

   Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

   If weed was legalized the number of annoying stoners would mutiply faster than a asian kid at a math contest.

   If I worked in a restaurant and people asked for coke, I would just hand them a rolled up dollar and say "excellent choice there madam"

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   To err is hunam.

   I had this awful dream I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'. I took off into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep...

   I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.

   Have to go to the doctor to get my blood pressure medication. Not that I need it. I'm a drug dealer to the 50+ crowd

   Today is International Women's day. It was supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready !