Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My inflate a date wasnt so bad....I didnt have to cuddle.

   The wife doesn't like the term "fingerbang" so I said I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I say digitblasting, she don't like that either.

   My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   a good driver discount, a good student discount. what about a watching an anoying lizard in a stupid comercial discount?

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes

   I hate it when people belittle other people's problems just because they're not as bad as some. No matter the gravity, they're still problems, and people have a right to be sad.

   Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

   If weed was legalized the number of annoying stoners would mutiply faster than a asian kid at a math contest.

   If I worked in a restaurant and people asked for coke, I would just hand them a rolled up dollar and say "excellent choice there madam"

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   To err is hunam.

   I had this awful dream I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'. I took off into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep...

   I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.

   Have to go to the doctor to get my blood pressure medication. Not that I need it. I'm a drug dealer to the 50+ crowd

   Today is International Women's day. It was supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready !

   Recipe for disaster: When your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad..."

   Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.

   I go to the gym to play my favorite game called "I spy a sexy cameltoe" its so fu#king sexy.

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.