Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   Not sure what's the bigger ball story of 2015. "Deflate Gate" or "Deflate Cait"?

   We are only a few UFC matches away from two men getting each other pregnant.

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   Yogi saw a fork in the road and took it! ~ RIP Yogi

   Monday's don't suck... Your life does

   The proper response to "Good Morning" is "Yeah? Prove it!"

   pizza is the only love triangle I want

   Happy belated birthday Jesus.

   Vegetarian: An old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." Vegan: An old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."

   Super Bowl 48. Two teams from the only two states to have legalized pot. I can't guarantee who'll win, but I can guarantee that Frito-Lay is gonna make more $ than the NFL on this one.

   "This was the best football game I've ever seen!" -Guy who's never seen a football game.

   Hey you ok? I haven't seen you post a selife in like 5 minutes.

   I will accept drink a case of beer challenge. . .

   I don't think it's about religion anymore. Some people are just sadists, hiding behind the masks of religion.

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   Peyton Manning: "OMAHA! OMAHA!....Aaron Hernandez: "ATTICA! ATTICA!

   If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.

   Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.