Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.

   Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.

   I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it

   Atheists, spending all their negative energy and life talking about God until they become plant food. What a waste

   well, who ya voting for, donald trump or isis' supreme leader?

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.

   Somebody stop the INTERNET, I want to get off!

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew, pew....pew!

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   Not sure what's the bigger ball story of 2015. "Deflate Gate" or "Deflate Cait"?

   We are only a few UFC matches away from two men getting each other pregnant.

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   Yogi saw a fork in the road and took it! ~ RIP Yogi

   Monday's don't suck... Your life does