Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont know why these stupid employment agency websites keep suggesting that I link my job application profile to my Facebook page. If employers ever visit my Facebook page, I will never get a job in this lifetime.

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   Maybe if I look like i'm going to shoplift, I can get some help in the electronics section at Target.

   I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it

   I dont have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebooks, its the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

   Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   has no doubt that there's a place in every woman's life for a red thong, but that place is not five inches above the waistline of her jeans. Ever.

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   In Store Special - "You're My One and Only" Valentine's Day cards... 4 for $5...