Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

   As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

   I think Christmas is cats favorite holiday. A big tree to climb on complete with all kinds of things that you can whap onto the floor.

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   I don't really care which baseball teams stand for the National Anthem inasmuch as I wish they'd make the game a little less boring. The national pastime is past its time.

   People always write "Congrats" in their FB posts because most don't know how to spell "Kongrajulashins".

   Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

   Apparently my wife was just tying her shoe, and didn't want to play leapfrog

   Betting on the Kentucky Derby is like paying for a hooker. You drop a load of cash on two minutes of excitement.

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   The subject of entomology really bugs me.

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.