Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doctors: "1 out of 3 smokers will eventually die from smoking," so apparently, the other two become immortal.

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   In honor of National Siblings Day, go kick your siblings in the genitals. You too can be the $10,000 winner on America's Funniest Home Videos.

   A Perfect Question To Ask At Any Job Interview: Do you monitor email and internet usage as I love to look at hardcore porn sites during office hours?

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   Here's how unreal Prince was: he made Minnesota cool

   I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!

   Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.

   They give you a poker chip when you reach 6 months clean in Gambler's Anonymous.

   I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !

   Wait... what? Han is now gay and that is why Leai goes on the suicide mission where she dies?

   Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

   I'm not ignoring you any more or less than you're ignoring me. . .

   Jesus needs your money, but send it to me. ~ False Prophets.

   I'm giving up sex with my husband for lent.

   Considering the hours I keep. I am awake while you sleep. Incase of a national disaster leave me your numbers and I will call you to wake you up so you can evacuate. . .

   To me, the Poke feature is a litmus test to weed out the easy going girls from the uptight Medusa types.

   Los Angeles area McDonald's spared no expense promoting Shamrock Shakes yesterday.