Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am going antiquing! at my age that means I am looking for chicks

   Instead of exchanging gifts at work for Christmas I wish we could exchange families.

   Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.

   Just got a free bowl of soup with this awesome hat I just bought!

   At this very moment hundreds of men are using the "It's the end of the world tomorrow" pick-up line.

   that feeling going into a multiple choice test knowing you will use process of elimination to get all the questions right and then seeing all four choices could be right.....DAMNIT

   With the memories that most women claim to have, I'm always surprised to hear them talk about losing their virginity.

   I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

   who cleans up after seeing eye dogs?

   Everytime you use the handicap stall you secretly hope no one in a wheelchair comes in.

   Guy at coffee shop just requested something "dunkable." This is making me uncomfortable.

   I taught her how to love, she taught me how to hate.

   Ok... I've just discovered the worst part about being single... I can never find a damned thing!!

   Great teamwork in a relationship is when a woman brings more than her looks to the table and a man brings more than a stiff d*ck.

   "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary!" - Sunday Brunch was delicious.

   waiting for the spider to realize that the magazine she balled up isn't for reading. Oh wait, it just did..

   I don't want a broken heart because I'll lose the pieces.

   'Nuff bull: Guys who know every piece of sports trivia and guys who know every piece of Star Wars trivia are the same guy

   Oh good, now we can SEE the years haven't been good to that person we haven't talked to since high school...thanks Mark!

   I find it ironic that the Chase Freedom commercial features a guy who keeps getting caught in a metal detector