Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been married for "discuss grocery list during sex" years.

   Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.

   I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !

   Wait... what? Han is now gay and that is why Leai goes on the suicide mission where she dies?

   Girls who cut your shorts so that your pockets show. Why not just cut off the pockets? What are you hiding? Snacks? Tell me it's snacks.

   FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards than hearing you constantly complain about how Monday's suck.

   Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.

   Chicken is better than that girl who said she will die for you. Chicken actually died for you. Chicken is true love.

   Fuller House is a wonderful show, let's hope Netflix comes out with another one called Married With Grandchildren.

   I think I got a textually transmitted disease from unprotected Facebook poking!

   Kanye West: My genitals smell like fire and I cannot find my pants.

   Doctors: "1 out of 3 smokers will eventually die from smoking," so apparently, the other two become immortal.

   According to my husband, it's not a tickle fight until half my ribs are broken and I've sharted myself.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   In honor of National Siblings Day, go kick your siblings in the genitals. You too can be the $10,000 winner on America's Funniest Home Videos.

   A Perfect Question To Ask At Any Job Interview: Do you monitor email and internet usage as I love to look at hardcore porn sites during office hours?

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   Here's how unreal Prince was: he made Minnesota cool

   I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!