Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shed a tear every time my cell phone rings at work and its not Morpheus

   men are judged according to this "What they do Who they are and How much they make"

   Silly me....being the city slicker that I am...I thought the KY Derby was a lubrication contest.

   What makes you think I put my pants on one leg at a time?

   Me take a bullet for you? I don't think so. What if you planned for someone to shoot you so I could jump in front of you, get shot and you would get rid of me?

   I'm not crazy. I'm just emotionally interesting.

   I get a call telling me that "my husband and I" won a 4 day, 3 night cruise to the Bahamas. When did I get married tho?

   It's discouraging when you write out your life plans on a post-it and still have enough room to take a message.

   Whoever invent Hallway Swimming....go Twerk a HarlemShake sit down and Plank your Owls self somewhere! -

   Life is a terminal illness. Nobody gets out of here alive.

   Penguins probably never get invited to Pig Roasts or other cool parties because they're always dressed so formal.

   I had a Doc telll me I had a fatty liver. How rude! Now I always ask my Wife: "Honey, do these jeans make my liver look fat?"

   "I never say never." Liars...

   Tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday or your kid will end up having the gardener’s nose.

   Not all men are dogs...most of them are puppies.

   Happy Birthday Benjamin Franklin!..to celebrate your birthday I'm leaving all the lights in the house...thanks again for all your great discoveries and inventions!....especially electricity

   I am still wondering when exactly do I become an adult?

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   snow!! where as..all lawns are created equal

   Men in my family don't talk about our underwear. We're the thong silent type.