Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?

   never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

   He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”

   Fast food drive thru 5 me 0, can you get my order right please!

   not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...

   When is that 1/2 man on '2 and and 1/2 Men' going to officially become a man?

   Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   the man from nantucket.

   When I'm texting with a girl I like and inviting her to join in my plans, I like to end the message with, "Want to come?" There's nothing like the inducement to get her to say yes.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   can someone give me directions to the humor section please?

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   Those that are often disgusted by others are usually most disgusted with themselves. But will rarely admit it.

   With great power comes great responsibility... but... with great amounts of beer comes a great excuse...

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   i hate when I delete and add someones phone number so many times that I memorize it

   People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

   watching relationships fall apart on fb is one of my favorite hobbies