Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the man from nantucket.

   When I'm texting with a girl I like and inviting her to join in my plans, I like to end the message with, "Want to come?" There's nothing like the inducement to get her to say yes.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   can someone give me directions to the humor section please?

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   Those that are often disgusted by others are usually most disgusted with themselves. But will rarely admit it.

   With great power comes great responsibility... but... with great amounts of beer comes a great excuse...

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   Not all men are dogs...most of them are puppies.

   Happy Birthday Benjamin Franklin!..to celebrate your birthday I'm leaving all the lights in the house...thanks again for all your great discoveries and inventions!....especially electricity

   I am still wondering when exactly do I become an adult?

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   snow!! where as..all lawns are created equal

   Men in my family don't talk about our underwear. We're the thong silent type.

   If I choose you over my sleep, you better feel special.

   Soulja boy in prison will really help is career. For once he will have bars.

   In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There's *weather* in here.

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Best way to describe me: beautiful on the inside and outside. Mainly outside.

   I can understand Kim wanting a divorce, I mean I thought he was Blake Griffin too