Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it 1 tap or 2 to request toilet paper from the next stall?

   Those that are often disgusted by others are usually most disgusted with themselves. But will rarely admit it.

   With great power comes great responsibility... but... with great amounts of beer comes a great excuse...

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   Not all men are dogs...most of them are puppies.

   Happy Birthday Benjamin Franklin!..to celebrate your birthday I'm leaving all the lights in the house...thanks again for all your great discoveries and inventions!....especially electricity

   I am still wondering when exactly do I become an adult?

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   snow!! where as..all lawns are created equal

   Men in my family don't talk about our underwear. We're the thong silent type.

   If I choose you over my sleep, you better feel special.

   Soulja boy in prison will really help is career. For once he will have bars.

   In the biggest Wal-Mart of my life. There's *weather* in here.

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Best way to describe me: beautiful on the inside and outside. Mainly outside.

   I can understand Kim wanting a divorce, I mean I thought he was Blake Griffin too

   remember in grade school when we used our finger to spray away the cooties from a chair?

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   Tried the new fire and ice condoms last night...must have put it on inside out cause when it was over she rolled over and started snoring and I wanted to talk.