Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advice please. I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had “you win” written on it. Do I celebrate with white wine or red?

   When this Ho on Maury found out that the 36th dude tested wasn't the Father, she ran so far backstage, I flipped the Channel and she was running across the set of ESPN!

   Hey look, Grandma!.. You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again....

   I hate people who talk about sex all the time!! Sex is a great thing, it's makes the world go round, without sex there is no humanity, how can someones think about sex that much!! That's why I never talk about sex.

   Today is a 'No F unny updates Day' all status lifters are are required to read a book or go do some community work for their plagiarism crimes.

   I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

   Today on the History Channel: The world went crazy because...social media went missing for a few hours and they ended up getting work done...watch the devastating 5 part series saga

   that's pathetic: that the iphone 13 is identical to it's previous models but only give us a better battery life. Sad part is people fall for apple laziness

   The latest dose of social media insanity comes to us via the TikTok inspired 'Slap A Teacher' Challenge. Good ol' TikTok... where never before has the Lowest Common Denominator been so well represented.

   Trump needs to stop worrying about Mueller and start worrying about Giuliani

   Sex is like math,you ADD the bed,SUBTRACT the cloths,DIVIDE the legs,and pray you don't MULTIPLY...

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check.Cop then sends me a picture of handcuffs.You win !!

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   The Biden crowd has Helen Keller Syndrome. Facts fall on dear ears, blind eyes, and dumb reasoning.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.

   ___\(._.\) TO THE WINDOWS (/._.)/ TO THE WALL…

   Religion is 'for those who are weak minded'

   For sale 57" flat screen TV 200 Quid Only defect is the volume button is broke.....For that price you can't turn it down!

   Donald Trump really owes Sarah Palin, because he would never be a Presidential contender today if she had not so effectively lowered the bar in 2008.

   Before having sex with a woman finger her and put it to her nose if she jumps back, kick that b*tch out.