Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check.Cop then sends me a picture of handcuffs.You win !!

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   The Biden crowd has Helen Keller Syndrome. Facts fall on dear ears, blind eyes, and dumb reasoning.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.

   ___\(._.\) TO THE WINDOWS (/._.)/ TO THE WALL…

   Religion is 'for those who are weak minded'

   For sale 57" flat screen TV 200 Quid Only defect is the volume button is broke.....For that price you can't turn it down!

   Donald Trump really owes Sarah Palin, because he would never be a Presidential contender today if she had not so effectively lowered the bar in 2008.

   Before having sex with a woman finger her and put it to her nose if she jumps back, kick that b*tch out.

   The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

   Fortune Cookies Lie...

   I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."

   saw on the news a black couple had a white baby. it wouldn't happen in China because two Wong's don't make a white.

   YES!!! I knew it... The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a condom in my wallet that expires in 2013.

   Rain with sunshine today... the devil must be beating his wife.

   (don't)Touchdown(there), Penn State!!

   I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.

   remember when MTV actually stood for Music Television

   If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep.... If it doesn't, you drove far enough.

   Next time you see a harmless bug, let it live. I have this crazy belief that living things should stay alive.