Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon °ₒ°ₒ* #SochiProblems
←Rate | 02-08-2014 11:03 by lkmalee Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
←Rate | 11-03-2013 14:59 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!
←Rate | 11-13-2013 12:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
←Rate | 11-19-2013 17:05 by JMc Comments (0)  


   messageicon So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?
←Rate | 11-30-2013 06:09 by Karen Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!
←Rate | 12-20-2014 22:47 by Depirts1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.
←Rate | 12-22-2014 09:14 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon This time of year there is always that one house that has like 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting at the North Pole with no survivors.
←Rate | 12-23-2014 12:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.
←Rate | 01-04-2015 21:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.
←Rate | 01-10-2015 12:12 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?
←Rate | 02-15-2015 23:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs
←Rate | 05-26-2015 20:02 by PiercePetree Comments (0)  


   messageicon Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.
←Rate | 09-29-2015 21:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."
←Rate | 11-01-2015 08:11 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need
←Rate | 11-26-2015 13:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I opened up the window, and Influenza!
←Rate | 01-04-2016 04:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."
←Rate | 08-28-2020 08:52 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.
←Rate | 11-15-2020 13:18 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon 2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?
←Rate | 12-28-2020 07:52 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.
←Rate | 01-06-2021 13:47 by Fazzy Comments (0)  




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