Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   °ₒ°ₒ* #SochiProblems

   I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.

   Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!

   The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...

   So all I really wanna know is can I trust you with my heart and my butthole?

   You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   This time of year there is always that one house that has like 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting at the North Pole with no survivors.

   My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.

   Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.

   Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?

   It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs

   Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."

   Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh*t we don't need

   I opened up the window, and Influenza!

   Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.