Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you ever feel upset and depressed, just remember, you were once the fastest, most victorious sperm in the bunch.

   I feel like Donald Trump had his wisdom teeth taken out, but the anesthesia never wore off.

   from where I come from helmets are won by motorcyclists not football players

   "If Jesus had a gun, he would be alive today" - Homer Simpson

   Richard Dawson has died....WOW!! I'm SHOCKED!!! I thought he died YEARS AGO?!?!?!

   everybody knows the real good friday is in two weeks 4/20

   If you park in the 'C' section of the hospital parking lot...do you have to climb out of the sunroof?

   jus saved alot on my car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene!

   Curiosity just landed on Mars. I hope there will be a picture of the 3 titties lady..

   forget a silver spoon...this kid will get a golden spoon & become a spoiled brat like the rest of the royal family

   : If you can't tolerate me at my Worst, then you sure do not deserve me at my Best!!!

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance....by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Once was a man named BARACK, EVERYTHING he said was a CROCK, He talked with a SMILE as he LIED all the while...."OBAMACARE'S Great! Ask your DOC"

   Last year, 44 Americans were shot by ''Muslim terrorists''. By comparison, 52 Americans were shot by toddlers. Which raises the question: Why isn't the government doing more to protect us from toddlers?

   Electricians even know that there are "male" connectors and "female" connectors on wiring and such. You can try plugging "male" to "male" or "female" to "female", but it's a ludicrous effort.

   Joe Biden saw his shadow today. Looks like at least six more weeks of healthcare arguments and accusations.

   says the difference between ORAL SEX & ANAL SEX,,,,,,,,,,, ,, is ORAL SEX will make your day but ANAL SEX will make your hole weak.......

   I SURVIVED Y2K, BIRD FLUE, SWINE FLU AND MAD COW DISEASE. 2012 BRING IT ON.

   My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times and you are President Obama.