Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance....by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Once was a man named BARACK, EVERYTHING he said was a CROCK, He talked with a SMILE as he LIED all the while...."OBAMACARE'S Great! Ask your DOC"

   Last year, 44 Americans were shot by ''Muslim terrorists''. By comparison, 52 Americans were shot by toddlers. Which raises the question: Why isn't the government doing more to protect us from toddlers?

   Electricians even know that there are "male" connectors and "female" connectors on wiring and such. You can try plugging "male" to "male" or "female" to "female", but it's a ludicrous effort.

   Joe Biden saw his shadow today. Looks like at least six more weeks of healthcare arguments and accusations.

   says the difference between ORAL SEX & ANAL SEX,,,,,,,,,,, ,, is ORAL SEX will make your day but ANAL SEX will make your hole weak.......

   I SURVIVED Y2K, BIRD FLUE, SWINE FLU AND MAD COW DISEASE. 2012 BRING IT ON.

   My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times and you are President Obama.

   To some people iPhones are like a religion. They don't know how it works, but it gives them something to cling to, so their life has meaning.

   Some families argue over pizza toppings. We argue over who's gunna keester a balloon of dope for my Aunt when we visit her in Jail tomorrow.

   I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want.

   A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.

   Why did they introduce women into the police force? To keep the streets clean

   Silence is golden. If you do not agree with something that I post on my page, I would advise you to keep your opinion to yourself than try and confront me on my own turf otherwise I will embarrass you.

   We must love and respect one another. Except people who decorate Christmas trees with blue lights. They should be waterboarded.

   Call me old fashioned, but doesn't it seem like people today try marriage on for size? I mean.. your not in a Wallmart dressing room!! 

   I never considered myself to be a violent person, but every day I kill time.

   I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

   Seriously...Beyonce gave birth by C-section? With those hips, that would be the equivalent of Moses pulling the plug to cross the Red Sea!