Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING- the only way Trump is not your president is if you move to another country. See ya! Don't let the Wall hit you on the way out.

   You can't spell slaughter without laughter!

   pondering on incoherent thoughts that pertain to this abstract dilemma

   When you are talking to an invisible man in the sky, you are either A) on drugs Or B) at church

   Presidents day is canceled until we get one.

   Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.

   The only thing worse than not getting a joke, is being offended by one.

   Took my car into the mechanic. It was making a horrible high-pitched squeal. He said it was coming from the the Mariah Carey Christmas CD.

   I told his wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked him in the cellar

   if you ever feel upset and depressed, just remember, you were once the fastest, most victorious sperm in the bunch.

   I feel like Donald Trump had his wisdom teeth taken out, but the anesthesia never wore off.

   from where I come from helmets are won by motorcyclists not football players

   "If Jesus had a gun, he would be alive today" - Homer Simpson

   Richard Dawson has died....WOW!! I'm SHOCKED!!! I thought he died YEARS AGO?!?!?!

   everybody knows the real good friday is in two weeks 4/20

   If you park in the 'C' section of the hospital parking lot...do you have to climb out of the sunroof?

   jus saved alot on my car insurance by switching to reverse and fleeing the scene!

   Curiosity just landed on Mars. I hope there will be a picture of the 3 titties lady..

   forget a silver spoon...this kid will get a golden spoon & become a spoiled brat like the rest of the royal family

   : If you can't tolerate me at my Worst, then you sure do not deserve me at my Best!!!