Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   I think women should give it up for lent, if you know what I mean ;)

   Roundabouts and retarded people are like round holes and square pegs, you can force them together, but it isn't going to be pretty.

   Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" "So is a grenade"

   Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.

   Most dangerous question a wife ever asked her husband: "Honey, notice anything different about me?"

   I'm going to open a gym on January 1, 2012 and call it "Irony Fitness." It 's only going to be open for two months.

   Makin Love Faces...(⊙_⊙) (⊙_-) (>__=) (=_-) (^_^) (O_^) [⊙_+] (x_X) (-_-) (°_⊙)(-_0) (^_⊙) (+_=)

   I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card and combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   A handsome firefighter just friended me on Facebook. I wish I was gay :(

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

   I think Trump is actually turned himself into the Human form or "clickbait"

   I heard Colin kaepernick had a choice between cotton and polyester jerseys and wouldn't you know it 'he picked cotton'

   Pence should consider himself lucky....worse has happened with presidents at theaters

   Trump has been in power for over 2 weeks. Why am I not rolling in the dough?????

   The only thing that could make Trump's approval rating worse would be if he joined Tinder.

   NBC should get Hillary Clinton to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of "Celebrity Apprentice" just to mess with Trump.

   My wife has basically two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.