Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ha here I thought LMS meant lick my sucker

   If I ever get caught soliciting a prostitute, I'm going to say "These aren't the droids I've been looking for!".

   Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life

   You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you learn, you've been hurt, but you're alive. You're not perfect, you're human.

   If a woman is talking in the forest and no ones around to hear her, is she still wrong?

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   Just remember nobody's perfect...Cuz i'm sure even Mother Teresa blamed her fart on a kid or two...

   Dogs are tough I tell you...... I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   My friend absolutely insisted that I come to her muder mystery dinner party, but then she died suddenly under mysterious circumstances

   ME: Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   "Let's just be friends" is a woman's way of saying she would rather mutilate her v@gina than sleep with you.

   I think women should give it up for lent, if you know what I mean ;)

   Roundabouts and retarded people are like round holes and square pegs, you can force them together, but it isn't going to be pretty.

   Sometimes you just have to take a moment to stop and smell the cocaine.

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" "So is a grenade"

   Please note that I have obtained Mad Swagger.

   Most dangerous question a wife ever asked her husband: "Honey, notice anything different about me?"

   I'm going to open a gym on January 1, 2012 and call it "Irony Fitness." It 's only going to be open for two months.

   Makin Love Faces...(⊙_⊙) (⊙_-) (>__=) (=_-) (^_^) (O_^) [⊙_+] (x_X) (-_-) (°_⊙)(-_0) (^_⊙) (+_=)

   I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !