Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when the most important thing to pack for a trip was my toys. Then it was books, then 8-tracks, then a briefcase, then a computer. Now it's my medicine....but I still pack some toys!

   No is the saddest experience you'll ever know..

   I bet most of you are the kind of a$$holze that would bet one dollar more than me on The Price is Right.

   Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter! PS: Those weren't black jelly beans the Easter Bunny left for you...

   I hate it when they put the tacos in my bag upside down :-(

   That uneasy moment when you look in the mirror while crying and you just start crying more.

   You need a best friend you can have sex with.

   Instead of a tatoo, just get a KISS t-shirt and wear it every day until you die.

   This Halloween I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. I'm going to be handing out some good news.

   Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again

   *watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!

   Why doesn't money have braille on it?

   You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind.

   what if I am a high ranking illuminatii and dont even know it

   After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.

   As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

   no really what are reindeer games ?

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   If old french fries were weapons,,, I would be able to kill anyone trying to carjack me

   Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.