Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My relationship with vodka has been on the rocks, but it just accepted my friend request, neat!

   The guy who invented underwear must have sounded crazy.

   air guitar for sale! Any offers?

   Beware of women who have had enough BS and no longer care about the consequences of their actions!

   Headline: 42-year old, mother of two, Jennifer Lopez is now dating a 24-year old backup dancer! Yeah I always knew she wanted three kids.

   The new Ipad gets all hot and bothered in your lap...Ladies- take notes:)

   I just don't get it. Some people talk about a bucket list but they are to lazy to get a job and buy the bucket.

   I put up all the Christmas lights for Easter.......

   The people in diaper commercials look so confident that I think I'm gonna start wearing one.

   I remember when the most important thing to pack for a trip was my toys. Then it was books, then 8-tracks, then a briefcase, then a computer. Now it's my medicine....but I still pack some toys!

   No is the saddest experience you'll ever know..

   I bet most of you are the kind of a$$holze that would bet one dollar more than me on The Price is Right.

   Hope everyone had a very Happy Easter! PS: Those weren't black jelly beans the Easter Bunny left for you...

   I hate it when they put the tacos in my bag upside down :-(

   That uneasy moment when you look in the mirror while crying and you just start crying more.

   You need a best friend you can have sex with.

   Instead of a tatoo, just get a KISS t-shirt and wear it every day until you die.

   This Halloween I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. I'm going to be handing out some good news.

   Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again

   *watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!