Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts.

   This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   Forget all your "friends" on Facebook.. Wait until your dead and see how many "friends" really show up at your funeral

   if I had a penny that fell from above everytime I fell in love...i'll be rolling in my money, everyday would be sunny and i'll be looking forward to my next break up

   I dunno if I'm loud enough but I need you to pay attension to whats about to happen to me...

   Dress well and all doors will open for you. Wear Crocs and all the doors will close on you.

   After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

   just got back from my morning walk and got a TON of canned goods!!!!

   well, apparently the "Occupy" signs I put up around the long TWILIGHT lines didn't get the tweens and under sexed housewives thrown in jail liked I hoped it would...

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would damn listen.

   My upstairs neighbour made a ground breaking discovery last night. He can't fly.

   you should Y0u.Tube "warriors of goja", sit back, and enjoy.

   People are quick to judge others, but slow to notice and correct their own mistakes.

   Some woman has just said to me... Oh it's the last day of November, are you going to be shaving your tash"... No darling I'm keeping it, what about yours ?

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   C'mon someone give me something to make fun of! - Me, talking to my wall.

   Shutting the door to force your pet into spending time with you.

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   Always finish your beer. There are thirsty and sober people in Africa.