Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well, apparently the "Occupy" signs I put up around the long TWILIGHT lines didn't get the tweens and under sexed housewives thrown in jail liked I hoped it would...

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would damn listen.

   My upstairs neighbour made a ground breaking discovery last night. He can't fly.

   you should Y0u.Tube "warriors of goja", sit back, and enjoy.

   People are quick to judge others, but slow to notice and correct their own mistakes.

   Some woman has just said to me... Oh it's the last day of November, are you going to be shaving your tash"... No darling I'm keeping it, what about yours ?

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   C'mon someone give me something to make fun of! - Me, talking to my wall.

   Shutting the door to force your pet into spending time with you.

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   Always finish your beer. There are thirsty and sober people in Africa.

   All of the food in my fridge is on my to-poo list.

   How long will it take our government to have a zombie vaccination

   I could wish you the best, but then you already been with me.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   My friend Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   I pour some Bacon Flavored Bath Salt water on a Roach to see what happens. Cuz Raid and Pest Control are getting expensive! I

   If Monday hd a face......I would knock the $h!t out of it!!!

   Sad reality:Your stingy boy friend is another girl's ATM