Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.

   ■I've got a full 6 pack, but it lacks the plastic thingy to holds it all together.

   Accidentally grabbed my hair gel instead of my body wash when I went to the shower,,,,, should see my fluff, looks like a 70's porn star fluff!

   building a time machine so I can attend the time travelers convention held last Tuesday.

   I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

   Screw your Four Loko... I've got a Dayquil with a 5hour energy and Grande Latte chaser with my name on it!... If you dont believe me, just ask my pet Unicorn

   Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.

   Some people stick their foots in their mouth every once in a while. Every once in a while I pull mine out.

   Booze in the answer... dont remember the question

   Get away from me! What am i? Flypaper for freaks?

   My cosmetic surgery might have gone wrong but I'm smiling on the inside.

   To all the people that send those annoying Christmas chain text messages I HOPE YOU GET COAL THIS YEAR UNDER YOUR TREE!!!

   Derek Rowe Lease just signed... Movin away from the old meth and crack heads next to some nice occasional cocaine users..

   so, Snooki didn't want to write a book about herself, so she rights a novel about the crazy fun at the Jersey Shore...and even has a character named Snooki in the book. Brilliant idea lady!

   like the iPhone: you no longer have exclusive rights to me!

   I miss the days when their mother's loving kiss could solve all of my children's problems:o(

   an agent of chaos.

   Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)

   says you look like... I need another drink

   They send you off to college to try to gain a little knowledge, but all you wanna do is learn how to score