Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Replacing "Sent from my iPhone" with "sent from my “telepathic mind reading Auto-reply app”

   life's hard, get a helmet!

   If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.

   Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.

   Looking for Ivan Drago at the closing ceremony.

   There are some women who simply refuse to be women.

   I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a "Best Nip Slip" category... or "Best Back Burger."

   I am not down with OPP but I'm definitely down with the sickness

   Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now....THEY KNOW MAPS!!!!

   Look, all I'm saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".

   My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   I always wonder if somebody's feet will be dirty after running thru my filthy mind all day

   My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...

   Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese

   Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   I THINK 50 shades of grey is our weather forecast!!!!

   If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?

   I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is he says I'm healthy as a horse. The bad news is that he keeps using large farm animals to describe me.

   Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.