Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am only writing this so people wont think I'm loney while sitting at the bar by myseld....

   hahahahahahahahaha=very funy hahahahaha=funny haha=not that funny

   When you break something at the store and nervously walk away!

   hope they have a white castle day so I can express how much I hate paying for gas.

   You know your getting old when "breaking the seal" means opening a bottle of Ibuprofen

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   I wonder what you are doing when you are not too busy running around naked in my dreams.

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."

   hope the USA lands another toy car on a planet this weekend to cover up the humilating 6th place in the Paralympics

   Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?

   The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley.

   Its so cute how we assume referee are going to be 100% neutral and objective in games/matches totally forgetting that they are just human like you and me.

   You know that reaction you get when you see a toilet that wasn't flushed? That's my face when someone orders bottled water at the bar.

   What do you mean the stun gun was not foreplay?

   I'm like a moth to a beer.

   unappreciated and taken for granted

   I once dated a woman in her 50s, guys, I can tell you, teeth are sometimes highly overrated.

   Marriage is the only war, during which, you sleep with the enemy.