Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what you are doing when you are not too busy running around naked in my dreams.

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."

   hope the USA lands another toy car on a planet this weekend to cover up the humilating 6th place in the Paralympics

   Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?

   The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley.

   Its so cute how we assume referee are going to be 100% neutral and objective in games/matches totally forgetting that they are just human like you and me.

   You know that reaction you get when you see a toilet that wasn't flushed? That's my face when someone orders bottled water at the bar.

   What do you mean the stun gun was not foreplay?

   I'm like a moth to a beer.

   unappreciated and taken for granted

   I once dated a woman in her 50s, guys, I can tell you, teeth are sometimes highly overrated.

   Marriage is the only war, during which, you sleep with the enemy.

   If I lose a hand, accident or not,, I'd replace it with a prosthetic gavel. Just so you can see that I'm judging you, and for garlic competitions.

   I broke up with my GF when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!?!

   The way US governments is running, I wonder how many taxes and permits would he have to get, If Noah was called up to build a boat in the 2013,.....

   Everyone is a professional runner when I'm chasing them on the sidewalk with my car.

   I think that in hell everyone is drunk but you.

   The hottest club in town is the one with the least amount of Beliebers inside

   It is so hot and humid in Montreal that our dog tried to get into the deep freezer to cuddle with my daughter's a sshole ex-boyfriend.

   Turns all electronic devices off and lives happily ever after...