Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.

   I find nothing more frightening or upsetting than someone saying to me those "three special words"..."Welcome To Tennessee."

   True irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a pull out couch.

   "SWAG" LOL....I love to know where words originate from and in the 1960's a group of men came up with the term "SWAG"....it's meaning Secretly We Are G@y!! True story!! So go get your SWAG on and please post on FB everytime you do so I can laugh at you!!

   Or your a photographer now.. Where'd you go Instagram University?

   Well it's official, after all these years of training, I am currently tied with lance Armstrong in tour de France victories

   Taco Bell at 3 in the morning = runny doo doo at 9 in the morning

   I don't do kings and I don't support inbreeding.

   Before 2012 it was dave chappelle here. Now it's like conan o'brien.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.

   Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity!!!

   instant superhero, just add alcohol

   What I want, I get. If I didn't get it, then maybe I didn't really want it.

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are Chris Hanson.

   Stix and stones may break my bones but this shovel can knock you the f**k out!!!!!

   A huge mass of slimy ooze is moving towards New Orleans. I'm confused as I didn't think the Eagles played the Saints this year.

   The 33 miners trapped deep underground have apparently been given the bad news that it will take 3 months to dig them out of deep hole... I wish our government would tell us when we could expect being dug out of "Our Hole"

   Humpty Dumpty fell off my FB wall. Somebody poked him.

   there are three kinds of people in this world. those who can count...and those who can't!

   just won $10 on a scratch off lottery ticket...that's right, I'm rich.