Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA

   rσsєs αrє rєd, víσlєts αrє вluє. díd чσu αctuαllч thínk í'd crч σvєr чσu? í tσld чσu í lσvєd чσu, чσu вєlíєvєd ít wαs truє. guєss whαt вαвч? чσu gσt plαчєd tσσ.♥

   My girlfriend just caught me blow-drying my pennis and asked me what was I doing.....Apparently, "heating your dinner!" was not a good answer!

   It's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

   Honestly, we should be thanking North Korea from wasting our time on another awful Seth Rogen movie.

   Facebook and Twitter are no different than commun¡st countries who control the media. Although they aren't government entities, they still have far reaching influence due to their sizable presence.

   in the process of becoming a Mexican Citizen, so I can sneak back into the States and get better health coverage, financial aid, a tax free paying job, cheaper housing and all the other glorious benefits that we give out illegal immigrants.

   surrounded by incompetence.

   Little known fact: George Zimmerman is as white as Barack Hussein Obama

   My daughter came home from school and said that a boy showed her his pen!s. She said it reminded her of a peanut. I said, "Why, was it small? She said, "No, it was salty."

   Here's a bit of advice for you....ADVI

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

   47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.

   I love the look of sad laker fans! D-rose is the new league superstar, go sit down Kobe!

   If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

   Sometimes I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food

   How is it my cat is only one foot tall but his azz is always at eye level?

   The GOP slams Obama's Martha's Vineyard vacation. They'd denounce it from the floor of Congress, but they're all on vacation...

   Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.