Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tired of having 6 toes and watching purple clouds fish for dolphins...but this lsd is good

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k,128k,256k,512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane

   What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?

   I used to love, respect and cherish every moment we spent together and then something happened...oh yeah, I built a bridge and got over it!

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has gas weaponry.

   hasn't slept for ten days.........................................because that would be too long.

   remembers when "google" was a word used to describe the eyes on pom-pom critters back in grade school!

   watching The Biggest Loser. I'd really love to be on that show. Not so much to lose weight.. but just to have Jillian ride me like a donkey while talking dirty to me.. Yeahh baby!

   Dora the explorer is here illegally

   what is the difference between a rooster and a $lut? one goes c0ck a doodle doo and the other one goes, "any c0ck'll do"

   hates Pro Football, but I watched Betty White and Abe Vigoda in a backyard football game....Damn!..They sure can take a tough hit. Not like the NFL players.

   free everyday it's in the constitution

   iAm so tired of hearing about stupid iPhone apps...

   A new study shows the 'doggie position' is the most common sexual position used by married couples... the Husband sits up and begs while the Wife rolls over and plays dead.

   I don't think allowing the mentally I'll people to obtain guns is making America great. Now I don't feel safe anymore.

   Now that I am woke and want to make amends for my hateful act of being born white, I want reparations for all the money I spent at Pottery Barn over the years.

   The Weeknd should change his name to Monday Morning 'cause that's how bad he s_cks.

   Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!

   If you think Amy Schumer is either hot or funny, you're what's wrong with America....

   Pretending that looters, rioters, assaulters and arsonists are "peaceful protesters" does not make you look like a sympathizer. It makes you look like an id!ot..