Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Because of gas prices,, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2012 is walking.

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she has been on more wieners than heinz ketchup

   It seems Prince Harry exposed the Crown Jewels while playing "Strip Pool" in Las Vegas. This begs the questions as to whether or not he followed up with a rousing game of "Hide the Scepter" ...

   Eminem is the only man in the world who could make fun of Taylor Swift without her writing a song about it."

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich... I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   early predictions have hurricane Isaac causing $50 million in improvements to New Orleans...

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   Money does not change people it only shows their true character whether being generous or selfish

   its hard to get stoked about a soccer game that's 3 hours long and ends 1-1...

   I hate when a guy fingers me and texts his girlfriend at the same time. I always get the weaker hand.

   What people call Pharmaceutical doctors, I call legal drug dealers. Medically certified to kill you. *Ask your doctor if this status is right for you*

   Life is too valuable to hold grudges. Forgive and move on

   Sometimes you have to drop a baby to establish dominance.

   I burped so hard, I'm hungry again.

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Shout out to all the low lifes that are getting high.

   The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.

   I'm guessing sex when you're 80 and up is like playing pool with a rope.

   Everybody checks their facebook at least once a day. If they say they don't, they're lying...