Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.

   Money does not change people it only shows their true character whether being generous or selfish

   its hard to get stoked about a soccer game that's 3 hours long and ends 1-1...

   I hate when a guy fingers me and texts his girlfriend at the same time. I always get the weaker hand.

   What people call Pharmaceutical doctors, I call legal drug dealers. Medically certified to kill you. *Ask your doctor if this status is right for you*

   Life is too valuable to hold grudges. Forgive and move on

   Sometimes you have to drop a baby to establish dominance.

   I burped so hard, I'm hungry again.

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Shout out to all the low lifes that are getting high.

   The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.

   I'm guessing sex when you're 80 and up is like playing pool with a rope.

   Everybody checks their facebook at least once a day. If they say they don't, they're lying...

   Ladies: Always remember, Boys may come and go, but a man will stay.

   stop chasing girls chase money cause when you got money they chase you....and I'm slow they always catch me :)

   I am most like a mushroom. I am a fungi!

   When the Old Spice Guy comes after your girl, your not offended, your honored.

   Don't you just hate those skinny ass Barbie type girls that always says "I'm fat"!! I would love to go "not now but keep actin' like your actin' and you will be after those 7 kids you're gonna have" Anyone else feel this way??

   I suffer from schizophrenia. (I really don't.) Do. (Don't.) Do. (Don't!) Do! (Shut up!) NO, YOU SHUT UP! (Poo Poo head) THATS IT! (what?) I hate you. (i know)

   The only rime I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish sendkng a text.