Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

   If they ever start handing out medals for not participating in anything, that might be my moment to shine.

   What do you mean you're pregnant? We slept on the pull out bed.

   You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.

   This lady called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a blouse. And y'all wonder why chivalry is dead?

   The friend zone is just another place to have sex

   My flirting checklist 1 Eye Contact 2 Throw you in the trunk of my car 3 4 5 I guess I only have two moves. Flirting is super hard.

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a food pantry, looking for something to put melted cheese on.

   When I grow up, I wanna be the guy in the fluffy suit that police dogs attack!!!

   As a kid you could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it with a stick. Now you gotta poke 10 bodies with 12 sticks just to feel anythin.

   I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good....

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   I just invented a new game in the office called “I can guess what your new year resolution will be” but fat people don’t want to play :(

   "In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish." - R. Kelly

   That moment when your pushing the front door, when clearly the door label says pull.

   You want to look through my medicine cabinet? Fine. Just don't look through my nightstand.

   The Year??.. 2033,, The year is 2047, After a series of mergers and acquisitions,, The Doritos Locos McWhopper Chipotle Latte Wrap, has become the only source of nutrition

   Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a closed fast food chains drive thru, partially nude, weeping and screaming for buttermilk ranch sauce