Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other

   going to see the wizard. I need a brain. Thats what my GF said.

   why is it that every year during the ANNUAL solar eclipse comes it is always once in a MILLENIUM

   out making some changes in hisher life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!

   I was gonna listen to that last lame song you posted, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.

   It dont get no better, it just get different

   Beer vs Women: Beer would never put you in the friend zone (unless you can't afford it, oh wait same with women).

   Some woman just sent this to me: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO' I was confused by the apostrophe, but then it dawned on me. It must mean she's possessive.

   Her mouth says yes. Her body says yes. But I can't hear her, because my nachos say crunch

   There once was a man from Nantucket, whose name was Dave. Real nice guy. Gave me some great directions on how to get to Applebee's.

   I once thought I'd found my soul mate. Weed is funny like that.

   Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.

   people who ask to try out your glasses then get their fingerprints smudged on them are the reason Jesus disappeared from ages 12 to 30.

   If you love something... set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies, though.

   I'm convinced you're an idiot but I can tell you're not aware of this information.

   I bet global warming is caused by all the baby boomer women hitting menopause.

   Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

   Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”

   Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."