Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dropped in an upholstery machine. He is fully re-covered now.

   It's pretty hard not to scratch when you're playing pocket pool.

   A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy...if I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink, but you can make him wish he had!

   To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful

   Trending Now - #1 Mindy Cohn..... WTF?

   it's so cold outside that all the politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

   So, your kid made the the Dean's List huh? Well I say his real parents would be proud because you're both morons so he clearly must be adopted.

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   wonders if there's an alternative to mistletoe. one that allows punching.

   floating in a life boat after getting thrown off the ship over a misunderstanding over what the poop deck actually was!

   Look ladies, I'm not a player. I'm just active participant. :0)

   does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other

   going to see the wizard. I need a brain. Thats what my GF said.

   why is it that every year during the ANNUAL solar eclipse comes it is always once in a MILLENIUM

   out making some changes in hisher life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!

   I was gonna listen to that last lame song you posted, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.

   It dont get no better, it just get different