Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sexier than socks on a rooster.

   THE EXPENDABLES = Retirement home for Action heroes

   People's Bull$hit and fakeness are the main reasons why I like to be alone at times!!!

   I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...

   If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.

   I can't help thinking Moses would have been a hit at Olympic Swimming events.

   Funny how the word 'pro' is in progress, and the word 'con' is in congress.

   you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah

   WARNING!!! Drug use may cause memory loss and....uhm....

   I hate women who hate innocent women and invade their privacy for their animal instincts.

   Ever kill a Sasquatch in the forest and then realize it was just your neighbor Dave getting his mail in the lobby? Drugs are funny sometimes

   A man's humor is to a woman what a woman's cleavage is to a man

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?

   Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

   'All right!!! STOP, COLLABORATE and LISTEN" ~ Vanilla Ice's Attorney.

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. :)

   I bet Peter is pissed off they keep stealing from him. On a side note, Paul seems to be pretty happy.

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My junk is now 235 feet long.