Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coronavirus - explained in dancing. You and nine friends are dancing together. One friend is dancing while sprinkling glitter. How many friends leave the dance party wearing glitter?

   A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

   Its all Obama's Fault for not seeking a Third Term like a True African Leaderr

   Every problem has got a public holiday. World AIDS day, cancer day, Labour Day and today Women's Day

   President Trump's wild accusations shocked Melania because she knew first hand that nothing was getting "tapped" in Trump Tower.

   Trump didn't want to drain the swamp, he wanted to rule the swamp. He failed at both.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   if you're on a flip phone in your profile picture, it's time for an update...

   I will take a dose of my own medicine...But I will also chase it with a shot of tequila.

   6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY

   I just bought a Birthday cake. It's not my Birthday, I just wanted cake.

   I love your eyes, but I love mine more...because without them, I won't see yours.

   are there actually people out there who make their beds every morning or is that just a myth

   JAB, LMAO, Justine* Bieber wants to be taken seriously, Seriously ha ha ha. . .

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   No officer my speech isn't slurred, i'm just talking in cursive.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   I went to the shrink coz I've been talking to myself. He asked if I had any stress, told him no. He said, "Don't worry about it then...millions of people talk to themselves." I said, "Yeah, but I'm really boring."