Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is much more interesting when you have a DIRTY mind.

   Well Doc , there I was sitting on the crapper with nothing to read and then I spotted my wife's wax . The rest of the story speaks for itself .

   One good way to reduce alcohol consumption, before marriage drink when your sad, after marriage drink when your happy.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   if you're on a flip phone in your profile picture, it's time for an update...

   I will take a dose of my own medicine...But I will also chase it with a shot of tequila.

   6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY

   I just bought a Birthday cake. It's not my Birthday, I just wanted cake.

   I love your eyes, but I love mine more...because without them, I won't see yours.

   are there actually people out there who make their beds every morning or is that just a myth

   JAB, LMAO, Justine* Bieber wants to be taken seriously, Seriously ha ha ha. . .

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   No officer my speech isn't slurred, i'm just talking in cursive.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   I went to the shrink coz I've been talking to myself. He asked if I had any stress, told him no. He said, "Don't worry about it then...millions of people talk to themselves." I said, "Yeah, but I'm really boring."

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!

   Never say never? False. You just said it twice.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place and they are good to go