Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "coming up next, right after this brief message."

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   I got a gun for my wife.....the best trade I ever made

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   tall people get tired of you askin them to reach stuff on store top shelves, imagine askin midgets to opick yur change up off the floor at the register when dropped?

   I can't help but wonder how police handcuff people with one arm?

   The weather in New York is partly cloudy and warm...just like A-Rods urine sample

   “Whoever said Money can't buy happiness, They just didn't know where to go Shopping.”

   The UK team visited a South African orphanage."Its so good to brighten up for these sad people who are in a hopeless situation," said 6 y/o Mbutu Niaryi.

   For sale: A horse. Will consider trade for a kingdom.

   There is actually a "man vs wild alabama". Bear said "this is going to be one of my toughest challenges ever". He's obvously seen "deliverance".

   If Facebook was a job everybody would b rich

   A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered - waiting for autumn.

   Interesting Fact: Put two straws in your mouth: one inside a drink and one outside it. You won't be able to drink through either straw. Try it!

   Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'

   sooo not a control freak - I just happen to know what is best for everyone else and how they should be doing it!

   my field of dreams would be a football field built in a field barley made into beer to serve free of charge at the games.

   considering applying for a job as a news anchor. I already exaggerate stories to the billionth degree every day, but now I can broadcast them to the world!

   People have to recognize that the "do-it-all-mom", as the saying goes, often ends up doing everything but "it".

   Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places