Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering how she can go forward when she doesn't know which way she's facing

   ok the sneakers are on, the treadmill is unfolded but I am having a hard time to put the the two togeather!!!!

   ive just booked a table for me and the missus for valentines day, should be a nice surprise, dont think shes played snooker before

   If you were a birdwatcher, would you prefer a Swift or Swallow?

   laughing at the people on ugliesttattoos.com

   PSA: Just remember fellas, if you are sleeping in some other dude's house, just realize, the one who sleeps closest to the door is most likely to catch the first bullet!

   I hate auto flush sh*tters. All that work without being able to see the result just seems like a waste.

   going to hide were even Dora cant find me

   The morning after the night before is always the next day.

   "And they lived happily ever after" is just another way of saying "they are in denial."

   somehow dressing up in spandex and my underwear seemed like such a great idea when I was a kid. Tried it today, if anybody needs me I will be in the Pysche Ward for the next two weeks.

   It is always seems to be "Enter some random family member" week or another. Who the hell makes up this schedule and where is it posted? I'm starting to think this crap is just made up.

   I got a gun for my wife.....the best trade I ever made

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   tall people get tired of you askin them to reach stuff on store top shelves, imagine askin midgets to opick yur change up off the floor at the register when dropped?

   I can't help but wonder how police handcuff people with one arm?

   The weather in New York is partly cloudy and warm...just like A-Rods urine sample

   “Whoever said Money can't buy happiness, They just didn't know where to go Shopping.”

   The UK team visited a South African orphanage."Its so good to brighten up for these sad people who are in a hopeless situation," said 6 y/o Mbutu Niaryi.

   Whew.....I am officially done wrapping all of my presents for Christmas in 2011. Thank you 'person who thought of re-gifting'