Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Red sox need "Just for men" for their beards!

   No Officer, that's medicinal gasoline and matches.

   Yeah,, I could just roll in this bar and announce that I'm Thor's brother,, but I'm just gonna keep it Loki tonight.

   Decided I wanted solid abs this year for Christmas. Bought all solid milk chocolate Santas instead of hollow ones.

   The Mayans are predicting this year for Dec.21 chilly air will settle into the region, ahead of a storm system forecast to move up from the South.

   My New Years resolution is to throw my hands up in the air......but this year I vow to wave them all around like I just don't care..

   2014 you had your up and downs.. 2015 I'm to old for rollercoasters

   I just walked right up to him, put my finger over his lips saying 'shhhh.' That hobo was going to cuddle whether he wanted to or not.

   I can't believe Katy Perry's date wasn't Left Shark!

   My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the flow & this is how the war against machines begins.

   People die when women are “fine.”

   50 cent is broke wants to be called 5 cent now

   [Shark Tank, 1928] Inventor: I call it Sliced Bread... My Great Grandfather: I like to decide my own bread thickness,,, and for that reason I'm out.

   Avoid disappointment, always assume you mean nothing

   Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica

   See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....

   When you have a mouthful of turkey and someone says "Let us pray."

   Don't waste my time. That's my job.

   I just had a WTF moment when Adele stoped singing and immediately turned into Mrs. Doubtfire. I also just learned that she has a potty mouth, and I like it!

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.