Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new favorite Trump name=Twitler

   Polling showed 27% of the USA bet on Atlanta to win. Must've been conducted by CNN.

   Should men care about women's rights? Before you answer, remember four important women in your life. Sister...Wife...Daughter...Mother...

   Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing. Too bad about her creepy coworker who just so happens to be her dad.

   I kinda wish the world was flat. That way I could just push off the people I don't like.

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a much better legal defense.

   Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

   Someone please inform the meatball below that those numbers aren't factoring in population differences and percentages.

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.

   Daylight Savings is a German idea, circa 1895. I guess the world figured, "None of Germany's other Ideas has turned out bad, so why not?"

   says people with children always ask when you're having children like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.

   Image makeover idea #1: Haiti should rename itself Likey.

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   I can never remember if it's water or coffee that fights a hangover. Or sleep. Or sex. Or bacon? F cuk, math is hard.

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

   Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men.

   Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.

   I like Carrie Underwood better on Sunday night football

   I had to go on a second diet. The one wasn't giving me enough food.