Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...

   I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

   Its my day to protect and Serve. Protecting the donuts and serving the coffee is my specialty.

   I am now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work

   Mmmmm..ice cream sandwiches....i feel like such a tool though after chasing the ice cream truck screaming "wait, ice cream man"!

   think wisely before you open ur mouth!!

   lying on lawn, waiting for Google Earth to take a photo of him.

   Never end a sentence with a preposition. Incorrect: Thongs crack me up. Correct: Thongs up me crack.

   Less work. More aholic.

   My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

   "Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.

   I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.

   I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   ou know you're lazy when you don't have any clean bowls so you eat cereal off a plate.

   there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy

   TSA has announced Nude scanning . Now women have to diet not only for swim wear but going to the airport too!

   The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her