Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?

   wondering if maybe this planet is the dumping ground for all the other planets rif-raf.... celestial hell, if you would....kinda like Detroit is to us.

   Just saw a commercial with Billy Mays. He must have the same agent as Tupac and Osama bin laden.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   Not surprisingly, slow-cooked Leprechauns taste just like corned beef!

   my Sunday coupons are now bilingual, and it didn't even give me the option to press 1 for English.

   We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy.

   Dropping the fish I had for lunch off at the pond

   There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...

   I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

   Its my day to protect and Serve. Protecting the donuts and serving the coffee is my specialty.

   Mmmmm..ice cream sandwiches....i feel like such a tool though after chasing the ice cream truck screaming "wait, ice cream man"!

   think wisely before you open ur mouth!!

   lying on lawn, waiting for Google Earth to take a photo of him.

   Never end a sentence with a preposition. Incorrect: Thongs crack me up. Correct: Thongs up me crack.

   Less work. More aholic.

   My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

   "Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.