Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dances with the devil in the pale moon light.

   didn't say you were a girl all I said was you look like Justin Beiber.

   My Hamster has a developed an issue. He slides money out of my wallet and eats it. Seriously! $40 this week, so far. Renaming him "Government".

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!

   Just woke up, took the Lemon out of his mouth, removed the belt from around his neck and headed into work.

   wishes the government would take pennies out of circulation already. Giving you my 2 cents everytime you've said or done something stupid has left me broke. Glad you're rich though.

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

   Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?

   wondering if maybe this planet is the dumping ground for all the other planets rif-raf.... celestial hell, if you would....kinda like Detroit is to us.

   Just saw a commercial with Billy Mays. He must have the same agent as Tupac and Osama bin laden.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   Not surprisingly, slow-cooked Leprechauns taste just like corned beef!

   "Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.

   I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.

   I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   ou know you're lazy when you don't have any clean bowls so you eat cereal off a plate.

   there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy

   TSA has announced Nude scanning . Now women have to diet not only for swim wear but going to the airport too!