Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Captian's Log: July 15th, I am still a total bada$$

   You want to fight?You & me?huhh. Come outside facebook!

   we KNOW you like your status....why would you of written it if you didn't?

   Life will always be like a roller coaster ride! Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and hold on tight because its full of thrills, screams, chills, fear, excitement, tears, laughter, joy, anxiety, and the will to do it all over again! "Life I tell ya!"

   wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, young body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords

   My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....

   men go to the bars to get laid and women go there to tease

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot

   I Don't know how to have a good marriage. But I do know how to have a bad one. so I just wont do those things.

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."

   I hope my CEO doesn't come here as the Undercover Boss cause I'd be like, "Ahh, don't worry about that mess. It'll be there tomorrow... BREAK TIME!"

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $20. Guess who got their homework done. ;)

   Never fall asleep around potheads...I woke up and had a forehead drawn on my peter...

   Very excited for tonight's super moon, but I'm not looking forward to hearing the Mexican-werewolves............

   How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)