Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children – she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.

   I got an iPod for Christmas, gave my son an iPad, gave my gf an iRon

   Wish life could be simple like the good ol' days. Like page 756!

   remembering how when he was young and only kiss on the lips was a big deal, now a days it's like let's cut the bullsh*t let's have sexy time."

   711 stores are the real version of the Kwik-E-Mart from the Simpsons...true story, I saw Apu working just this morning.

   Captian's Log: July 15th, I am still a total bada$$

   You want to fight?You & me?huhh. Come outside facebook!

   we KNOW you like your status....why would you of written it if you didn't?

   Life will always be like a roller coaster ride! Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and hold on tight because its full of thrills, screams, chills, fear, excitement, tears, laughter, joy, anxiety, and the will to do it all over again! "Life I tell ya!"

   wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, young body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords

   Sorry dude. My girlfriend and I had a meeting and we've decided I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

   My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....

   men go to the bars to get laid and women go there to tease

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot

   I Don't know how to have a good marriage. But I do know how to have a bad one. so I just wont do those things.

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."