Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didnt forget, I just didnt remember.

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   I Don't know how to have a good marriage. But I do know how to have a bad one. so I just wont do those things.

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot

   remembering how when he was young and only kiss on the lips was a big deal, now a days it's like let's cut the bullsh*t let's have sexy time."

   711 stores are the real version of the Kwik-E-Mart from the Simpsons...true story, I saw Apu working just this morning.

   Captian's Log: July 15th, I am still a total bada$$

   You want to fight?You & me?huhh. Come outside facebook!

   we KNOW you like your status....why would you of written it if you didn't?

   Life will always be like a roller coaster ride! Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and hold on tight because its full of thrills, screams, chills, fear, excitement, tears, laughter, joy, anxiety, and the will to do it all over again! "Life I tell ya!"

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."

   I hope my CEO doesn't come here as the Undercover Boss cause I'd be like, "Ahh, don't worry about that mess. It'll be there tomorrow... BREAK TIME!"

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $20. Guess who got their homework done. ;)

   Never fall asleep around potheads...I woke up and had a forehead drawn on my peter...

   Very excited for tonight's super moon, but I'm not looking forward to hearing the Mexican-werewolves............

   How I think I sound when I sing: ♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓ \( ﾟヮﾟ)/ ♪┏(･o･)┛♪ How I actually sound when I sing: (╬ ಠ益ಠ) щ(ﾟДﾟщ) ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)