Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.

   konws taht you can raed tihs sutats jsut fnie and you tuhohgt I was tolaltly dnruk lkie lsat tmie.

   No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one.

   some people are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk!!!!!

   getting OLDER remembers when he needed glasses to see blackboard , NOW he needs them to see SCHOOL !!!

   If Polygram records,Warner Bros,and Keebler merged would the company be called Poly-Warner-Cracker?

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   I didnt forget, I just didnt remember.

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children – she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.

   I got an iPod for Christmas, gave my son an iPad, gave my gf an iRon

   Wish life could be simple like the good ol' days. Like page 756!

   remembering how when he was young and only kiss on the lips was a big deal, now a days it's like let's cut the bullsh*t let's have sexy time."

   711 stores are the real version of the Kwik-E-Mart from the Simpsons...true story, I saw Apu working just this morning.

   Captian's Log: July 15th, I am still a total bada$$

   You want to fight?You & me?huhh. Come outside facebook!

   we KNOW you like your status....why would you of written it if you didn't?

   Life will always be like a roller coaster ride! Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and hold on tight because its full of thrills, screams, chills, fear, excitement, tears, laughter, joy, anxiety, and the will to do it all over again! "Life I tell ya!"

   wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, young body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords