Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.

   I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.

   Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.

   If your name is John, your parents were just lazy when they named you.

   Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   Me: Do you want some more toast?... 6yr old: Yes... ME: Yes what?... 6yr old: ???... Me: What’s the magic word?... 6yr old: Abracadabra?

   The new mac pro is 9.9 in long and black...Does the white version comes in 6 in?

   It's too bad religion doesn't have the same first rule as fight club.

   So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?

   The majority of my childhood was spent naming one of my settlers in Oregon Trail after an enemy then doing all I could to help them die of dysentery

   I was raped in jail ! My friends take monopoly way too serious.

   Why do we get the feeling that Melania Trump would rather stay at a crappy Holiday Inn than at the White House with Donald?

   My four year old understands leverage and negotiation better than Trump.

   did the Trump campaign even Google Mike Pence?

   "There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home." -- Hillary Clinton, probably

   The crappy thing is,,, there are people that will vote for Trump,,, but would punish their kids for just saying the word "Pu$$y".

   My redneck cousin from Virginia ordered a shake at the McDonald's drive-thru just seconds before the quake hit. Said he never expected such fast service.

   stocking up on Hurricanes for the hurricane

   Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good