Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions.

   I hate arrogant people who think no one but themselves.They're like criminals.

   Hey North Korea. Do you even lift bro?

   Wouldn't be surprised if Whoopi Goldberg's ass hairs are also dreadlocked.

   Right now there is a mayan somewhere out there yelling "SIKE"

   Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.

   The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.

   Men stand up to get knocked down - woman lie down to get knocked up!

   Judging by the empty seats at Dolphin's games, football is doomed in Miami. Time to realize it's soccer and thug roundball city down there. Will the last American to leave Miami please bring the goalposts?

   think that if there wasnt a last minute she wouldnt get anything done

   Extends his rear out to anyone who wants to see New Moon

   saying goes: The darker the berry the sweeter the juice. Well the lighter the berry the longer it stays ripe. ;)

   You have to feel sorry for the Mother's of the Chilean miners. The waiting, the pain, seeing their kids come out slowly from a small dark hole. It's like child birth all over again

   Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook.

   Don't forget to change your clocks on Sunday. And while you're at it, make those changes for the better in your life that you've been putting off.

   So the Packers beat the Eagles. They might beat the Falcons. Then possibly the Seahawks and then meet the Ravens in the SuperBowl... Wow! All those teams would be in a Fowl mood !

   looked up the word "thug" in the dictionary. The definition was "Auburn".

   just heard about the 2 blondes that froze to deat at the drive in...they were watching "CLOSED FOR THE WINTER"!!

   Dear women: we don't give a CRAP about eyebrows. Love, men.

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Professionals built the Titanic; Amateurs built the Ark.