Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   solving all the world's problems--one roll of duct tape at a time...

   NAACP blasts CNN for its lack of diversity in prime time. Strangely silent on MSNBC wonderbread lineup.

   if you have never given yourself troll hair while taking a bath .. then you probably don't have a soul

   Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

   going to Biker Night at The Blue Oyster Bar.

   "Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

   In your face Putin. Right in your stupid face. Go Trump!! Show Putin who the real boss is.

   President Obama set up anti-pandemic programs in 47 vulnerable countries, as a way to protect against something just like Coronavirus breaking out across the world. Experts begged Trump to keep them open. He closed 37 of them.

   We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police

   just saved alot of money on his car insurance by threatening his agent with a golf club!

   I've just popped down with my floral tribute to Amy Winehouse, last years Xmas tree. It's the perfect tribute, 5 & a half feet, dead & surrounded by needles.

     Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.

   Lets elect a black pope! Said no Catholic ever.....

   Hey Trump haters... You guys can still pee in the ladies room since you have been for years anyway

   USA - 5 CAN - 3 ... Sorry Canada, but we're gonna beat you at your own game.

   y do women wear white on there wedding day? so the dishwasher matches the fridge and the stove;)

   I'm confused at why people need to be told how to lose weight. Is it really that confusing?? Quit shoving so much food down your throat....the end!!!

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

   What does OJ have that every man wants? A Heisman trophy and a dead ex-wife!

   How do members of Isis practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.