Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

   Long live the Spork!

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   watched a documentary about topiary last night. It was real cutting hedge stuff.

   theres no I in gangbang

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!

   Congrats to Hugh Hefner on your recent engagement. And thank you sir for showing us naked photos of the women you've banged since 1953.

   Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.

   obviously sitting here staring at my computer screen waiting for a notification to suddenly pop up so I can have a moment of excitement.....i need a life!!!

   Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

   I ran my WII, PS3 and Xbox 360 all at the same time. Jesus appeared in my living room and shook his index finger at me.

   - David Cameron says `Your country needs you` ....... No David , this country needs you to Fu@k Off ! You posh wanker ...

   We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police

   just saved alot of money on his car insurance by threatening his agent with a golf club!

   I've just popped down with my floral tribute to Amy Winehouse, last years Xmas tree. It's the perfect tribute, 5 & a half feet, dead & surrounded by needles.

     Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.

   Lets elect a black pope! Said no Catholic ever.....

   Hey Trump haters... You guys can still pee in the ladies room since you have been for years anyway

   USA - 5 CAN - 3 ... Sorry Canada, but we're gonna beat you at your own game.

   y do women wear white on there wedding day? so the dishwasher matches the fridge and the stove;)