Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   I far too sleep deprived, my hemorrhoids are flaring up, my farts smell minty, and these Mentos taste like glycerin. What's going on?

   Miami Heat Fan: "You wait, you watch and see next season we're gonna do this we're gonna do that" ...... Still Waiting lmao! Clevelands just as good without Lebron

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.

   If you're happy and you know it share your meds.

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   Snow peas are just like regular peas except the licky boom boom down.

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   what if the last words of the bible were "... you had to be there."

   Saw a real ugly-faced, pimpled girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism!

   If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me.

   She says her heart belongs to Jesus but she is half naked in most of her profile pics. Ho put some clothes on before you put your name in the same sentence with Jesus.

   Roses are Red,Violets are blue, My knobs in your mouth, best you don't chew

   BUNGEE JUMPING - $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   Pepsi and Coke the Crips and bloods of the cola world

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   Dear T-Rex, Brontosaurus, & Velociraptor. Sorry I ran out of space on my Ark for you.... Noah