Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only question about gay marriage is how they get along with pain and E.coli.

   like they say in vegas.....always bet on black!!!!

   You are in the top 1% of Government handouts, Obama, supporter! I command you to give me 60% of your handout and pay your fair share!

   On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me- 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 holiday pet pictures, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 p

   Blowing out birthday candles,, must be really frustrating for baby dragons.

   Might have to break down and start wearing condoms. My crabs were just diagnosed with herpes.

   Snooki has her baby! In other news, Willy Wonka said to be on a secret rescue mission of a newborn Oompa loompa...

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   Saw a real ugly-faced, pimpled girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism!

   If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me.

   She says her heart belongs to Jesus but she is half naked in most of her profile pics. Ho put some clothes on before you put your name in the same sentence with Jesus.

   Roses are Red,Violets are blue, My knobs in your mouth, best you don't chew

   BUNGEE JUMPING - $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.

   If you're happy and you know it share your meds.

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....

   BREAKING NEWS.....New England Patriots to start wearing an asterisk on their helmets....

   what if the last words of the bible were "... you had to be there."

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...