Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.

   My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty.

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.

   The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.

   riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa

   predicts Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day.

   Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.

   I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards