Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Omg there is high definition paint? People will believe anything. Well I just invented hd crayons, for the low price of 59.99 a box you can watch you drawings pop off the paper.. Idiots

   As I write this I'm in an unmoving airport security line standing completely still in a stranger's fart.

   Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!

   Google has gotten so used to my search habits, all I have to do is type a celebrity's name and it automatically adds "nude".

   What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

   Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills…making the last car payment.

   Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."

   There should be realtionship status that says,"I don`t even know what`s going on"

   As I watch this Spider walk across my floor, I wonder if his Spidey senses are telling him, he's f*cked

   Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.

   Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   Figured out what AT&T meant by 3G...it means my signal is Going....going....gone

   THINGY (thing-ee) n.. Female- Any part under a car's hood. Male- The strap fastener on a woman's bra

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.