Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.

   "Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."

   After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!

   Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.

   By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.

   So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes