Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!

   Be the girl that all the guys want. Not the girl all the guys HAD.

   Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed

   I swear my touchscreen phone touches its self when no one is looking

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day.

   Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.

   I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards

   i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching

   When you were in elementary school, looking up the word "sex" in the dictionary was like watching porn.

   One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.

   I was asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme.

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   You know those intense unexplained pains you get sometimes? You deserve those.

   I heard that the world is going to end in 2012, because that's only as far as the Mayan calendar goes. But the news gets even worse: I checked MY calendar, and it only goes to the end of this year!"

   not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink...I already have one

   True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"

   I saw LeBron james this afternoon and I asked him for a dollar. He only gave me 75 cents. I was a bit puzzled until I remembered LeBron never gives you the fourth quarter.