Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4315 of 6447

If I ever choke to death eating these gummy bears will one of you please do me a favor and just post on my wall "He was killed by bears!" and just leave it at that.
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07-16-2019 22:28
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Congratulations to #FACEAPP for making eleventy billion dollars in 24 hours by making us look older on purpose.

I collect memes like kids collect Pokemon cards. any good memes you want to trade?
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07-24-2019 21:54 by Eddy
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The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.
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07-22-2019 09:51
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Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!
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07-22-2019 12:08 by Moon
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have you noticed ..not a single girl used face app
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07-28-2019 08:02
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Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!
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07-28-2019 15:56
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There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.
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07-30-2019 13:57
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"Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]
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08-08-2019 05:53
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Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number
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08-10-2019 23:11
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
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08-14-2019 06:00
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My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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08-14-2019 18:50
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out
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08-14-2019 18:54
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For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
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08-14-2019 18:59
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"My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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08-17-2019 06:46
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Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not
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08-17-2019 06:47
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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08-17-2019 06:48
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When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.
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08-17-2019 20:34
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Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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08-18-2019 07:45
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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08-18-2019 07:45
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