Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.

   So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.

   Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.

   I didn't realize that the circus stayed in town so long. Also I thought there was more to it than a clown and a freaky old lady. When does it leave?

   Spends 2 hours rescuing a baby squirrel during a hurricane but is always too tired to make her own burritos.

   It's only Wednesday morning and I've already had to have the "You will not become the bird lady from Mary Poppins" talk in the mirror.

   And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new coffee at Starbucks.

   Wheelchair, the adult's version of a stroller

   I put the 'sexy' in Dyslexic.

   I went to Smith's Deli and asked for a baked chicken thigh. I got a breast instead. I hope the kid working the deli isn't a med student.

   Tim Kaine rubbed my leg under the bathroom stall at the airport.

   Never leave the house without chili ingredients & tap shoes. I'm always ready for impromptu dance-offs or cook-offs.

   Always pass on the tea and crumpets; I'm more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.

   Chicken Pot Pie.. Three of my favorite things 😁

   I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.

   My dream car would be a food truck.

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   I have six locks installed on my door all in a row so that when I go out, I lock every other one. That way I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   Forgot to unlink my Pinterest account from Facebook and now my entire fight club knows how I'm decorating our annual pumpkin patch party.