Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   If anyone needs to walk near the left side of my house it's cool because I went ahead and took care of that enormous spider web with my face.

   Last year for Halloween me and my mate were meant to go trick or treating as a pair of breasts. He didn't turn up and I went by myself. I looked like a right tit.

   There is always this person on Facebook who thinks he/she can teach you the meaning of life in a two sentence status and you're like'Deep, real deep''.

   People think the pile of bodies outside my door is a Halloween decoration, it isn't. I've plugged the doorbell into the mains.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.

   Ok, I get it. You want to talk to me! But that doesn't mean that you have to send me 4 texts 8 missed calls, a facebook chat, and a facebook message. I wil respond eventually to one simple text. Go buy some patience on E-bay.

   How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel??

   How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of the event for facebook, clog up your news feed, and later on edit the pictures to black and white.

   A dislike button on facebook would be cool at first, but it would eventually just cause a lot of controversy and drama. Especially if you could dislike peoples entire profiles. That would not go well..

   We all have that one facebook friend that acts like it's their job to keep everyone updated on the weather, current events, and other meaningless sh!t with their status.

   According to NIKON'S latest commercial that I just watched, "Small is the new Huge!"......I know of a few guys that'll be THRILLED to hear that.

   "I got 99 cookies cuz a b!tch ate one" ~ Cookie Monster

   “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

   "The reason why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

   If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

   Some girls should NOT be allowed to post on facebook during their bye week.

   Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   Right now what Lindsay Lohan needs more than anything is our caring and understanding. And just a little bit of cocaine if possible.